The other day Josh, my "always helpful" lifecoach suggested I sponsor a child from a third-world country. I put "always helpful" in quotes because he's actually a pain in my ass. But the community service is going slower than I thought it would, so time off for good behavior is all I can think of right now. Imagine, Paris Hilton and I have something in common.

I set about Googling "sponsor third-world child" and found a little guy named Desiderio at www.worldvision.org. I got a picture of him, and in return he got a chunk of my hard earned money. The website suggests that you write a letter to the kid you're sponsoring so I'm working on a draft. Any feedback would be welcome. The letter goes:

"Dear Desi,

You got some splainin' to do! HAHA! Just kidding! That's from an old TV show called I Love Lucy. Do you have a television? What shows do you like to watch? I'm really into that show My Super Sweet 16 on MTV. Man, there are some babes on that show. I did some research and the legal age of consent is 16 in Iowa, Ohio, Kentucky, and a few other hick states. Do you know what a hick is? So the other night I went out to dinner with my friend Samuel. We both got lobster and they were so huge we couldn't eat all of it so we got doggy bags for the leftovers. But then we forgot the bags at the restaurant. Oh well, I guess they just had to throw our food out. Anyway, I'm including a sack of rice for you to share with your family. I hope you like it. I gotta go now, the pizza delivery guy is here. Hey, his name is Desi too!"

What do you think? Too much heart?