The other night I was flipping around the channels and The Big Chill was on.

"Everyone does everything just to get laid," Jeff Goldblum says at one point, as they're all sitting around. "Who said that? Freud?" JoBeth Williams asks. "No, I did," Jeff corrects.

Oh Jeff, you're so wise.

That being said, a few things I've done in the past week in an attempt to get laid:

-Went back to a convenience store to buy a second newspaper.
-Pretended I spoke French.
-Acted like I didn't know my best friend, who was acting like an idiot.
-Bought a pair of $120 shoes.
-Said the phrase, "You're a Virgo? I'M a Virgo!" (despite the fact that I am not actually a Virgo).
-Attempted to bench press 200 lbs.
-Bought a Meredith Brooks CD.
-Pretended to look busy by texting myself.